I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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