Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
