They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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