I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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