dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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