but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
