and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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