It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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