I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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