The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
