You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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