he puts the penis in happiness.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
