I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
