I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize