The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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