it's not cheating when I paid for it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
