this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Please don't give away my fajitas
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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