i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
