a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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