90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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