textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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