so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
