She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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