he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
