apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
