Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
