There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
