you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
