No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
