i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
