I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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