If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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