I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
