I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
