i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
