I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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