We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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