i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
