8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
