Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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