Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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