so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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