Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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