Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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