The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
