I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
