What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
