Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize