Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
