i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize
