I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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