I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
