do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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