i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
