Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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