The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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