Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She bit a glass in half.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
