Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
