Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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