He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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